Sometimes it's so hard

Last night was a rough night. Long story short, we had bible study last night and during these studies, all of the kids go into a different room and play.  Samantha did not want to go and when we finally tried to make her, she broke down.  I carried her to the room kicking and screaming and she hung on to me for dear life.  I could see it in her eyes, it was not out of defiance,  she really could not handle being in the room with all the kids.  Yes, it was pretty rowdy up there, but all the kids were having fun and she knew every child there!  Most of them, she has known since she was a baby.  And although she likes each child individually, as a group, she can not deal with it.  Her stress level gets so high and she ends up in a fight or flight response.  So, after a few minutes in the room with her, I knew there was no calming her down, so back down the stairs we went.

David and I drove home separately that night and he took the kids, so I was able  to drive home in quiet.  When we left, I was a little frustrated by Sammie's behavior, but as I had time to think, I became so sad.  We have implemented so many sensory activities into Samantha's daily life and it has helped sooooo much.  Bed time is so easy now and brushing her hair and teeth are getting much better. I have been so happy with all of the changes, but last  night just reminded me that Sammie is still going to have difficult moments.  Moments that not everyone will understand and moments when  I won't know what to do. 

It hurts my heart when I think about how difficult social situations can be for Sammie.  I hear that it does get easier and when she is older, she will learn how to cope, but right now, at this stage in life, I want nothing more than to scoop her in my arms and take away all the bad feelings.  It is so hard to see my little three year old full of so much anxiety. It's so hard to watch other kids playing and laughing together while mine is clinging on to me.  It is so hard to explain to people what's going on when she overreacts to a touch or them just saying hi.   It's so hard when the moment I mention we are going certain places, I see her face change and she starts telling me how much she does not want to go.  And it's so hard when we do have to go somewhere and I have to leave her, not only to hear her crying, but to listen to her for the  next week telling me how much she didn't want to be there and how much she didn't want me to leave and how I should not do that again. 

So, here is David  and my job...we have to find ways for our Sammie girl to not just deal with different situations, but to be happy or at least comfortable in those situations.  We have to learn her triggers.  We have to push her, but not so hard that she becomes overwhelmed. And then, we have to teach her.  Sammie is so beautiful, ridiculously smart, hilarious and oh so compassionate.  Not everyone sees all of that now, but I have so much hope that one day everyone will.